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" My mom could afford to put us in a Catholic school for grades one through seven, but not after that. "

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" That's one thing I love about my son - he's just a gamer at heart, he loves everything. He'll still play 'Pole Position,' or just old things at an arcade. He just loves games. He's not a graphics snob at all. I love him. "

" We definitely have a Wii U. It gets pulled out whenever there's a new great game coming out. "

" The worst job I ever had was working as a Lady Liberty sign-twirler for a tax services place, where I'd just dance and have fun. The way I talk about it makes it sounds like a fun job - but then I got a staph infection from the costume. So that was probably the worst part about it. "

" I'm sauteing asparagus, Brussels sprouts,broccoli, some boneless, skinless chicken breast, some halibut. That's about it; that's all I'm allowed. That's what's legal for me to saute. "

" Some of my biggest influences are people like Steven Wright and Todd Berry. I'm a shy person, and I don't think people who aspire to do comedy think that's an option. "

" Chicago is an extremely rough place to grow up in. Especially if you're the only brother on the block that's into bumpin' Alanis Morrisette... So 'You Oughta Know,' I moved to Oregon. "

" We all have enemies, but my enemies would probably describe me as surprisingly ruthless. "

" Trying to maintain your health on the road can be difficult. Especially in the middle of the country where they close by 9 and you're not out of work until midnight. You end up at a McDonald's or Taco Bell. "

" Denver has smart and energetic crowds that appreciate good comedy and don't take themselves too seriously. "

" If I'm super scared or sick, I'll still suck my thumb. "

" I like the Bulls, the Bears - Chicago. "

" Doing five-minute sets on 'Conan' and things like that are fun and a great way to introduce yourself, but it's such a constricting time, and you usually have to cut bits down. "

" A lady emailed me that her child had been diagnosed with autism and that hearing my material on the subject had helped her. To me, it just means that I'm making the right decision in talking about this. "

" I think I'd probably be really good friends with Hulk Hogan. I think we'd get along, and I'd, like, chill him out because he'd be all rambunctious and rowdy, and I'd be like, 'Chill out, Hulk Hogan. Everything will be okay.' And he'd be like, 'Thanks, Ron.' And then we'd form a friendship. "

" I love Nintendo, I'll never not love Nintendo. I want to play new Zeldas, basically. "

" When you get to be a certain size as a man, all the shirts end up having giant dogs on them or things like that! "

" My breakfast is usually some oatmeal and berries and some agave, or a protein shake. "

" I think my comedy is about finding the good in bad situations - finding the joy. Why be angry? It doesn't help anything. "

" I love a good Roy Rogers or Shirley Temple, and I had to give those up. And Philly cheesesteaks. I love Philly cheesesteaks, and now they really aren't around anymore. "

" I've worked as grocery store cashier; I've worked at a bank call center and as a Lady Liberty for Liberty Tax Service dancing around with the sign for a while. "

" I think that's the difference between meetings in New York and L.A. In New York, it's like, 'Be there, and be there on time.' In L.A. it's like, 'Oh, we get it. You might have ran into traffic. We'll reschedule.' "

" I was always interested in comedy, like when I was 5 years old. I watched 'I Love Lucy' and 'Benny Hill.' I would always joke around with my sister. My mom was into comedy, too. She would go to the video store and get a couple of movies and some stand-up comedians' tapes. "

" Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' "

" My comedy is kind of a counteraction to some of the comedy I don't like. Or things I don't like. "

" In any great art, you create a world, and you invite people into that world, and hopefully, it's fleshed out enough and you've explained it well enough. "