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" We all have enemies, but my enemies would probably describe me as surprisingly ruthless. "

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" I'm sauteing asparagus, Brussels sprouts,broccoli, some boneless, skinless chicken breast, some halibut. That's about it; that's all I'm allowed. That's what's legal for me to saute. "

" My comedy is kind of a counteraction to some of the comedy I don't like. Or things I don't like. "

" Chicago is an extremely rough place to grow up in. Especially if you're the only brother on the block that's into bumpin' Alanis Morrisette... So 'You Oughta Know,' I moved to Oregon. "

" When you get to be a certain size as a man, all the shirts end up having giant dogs on them or things like that! "

" I've worked as grocery store cashier; I've worked at a bank call center and as a Lady Liberty for Liberty Tax Service dancing around with the sign for a while. "

" That's one thing I love about my son - he's just a gamer at heart, he loves everything. He'll still play 'Pole Position,' or just old things at an arcade. He just loves games. He's not a graphics snob at all. I love him. "

" I look forward to going to Chicago because it's where I grew up, and the food there is so munch. Especially during the winter, I get deep dish pizza or Italian beef, and it warms me up. It's something I don't normally get, especially here in L.A. where you're always trying to be healthy. "

" I think I'd probably be really good friends with Hulk Hogan. I think we'd get along, and I'd, like, chill him out because he'd be all rambunctious and rowdy, and I'd be like, 'Chill out, Hulk Hogan. Everything will be okay.' And he'd be like, 'Thanks, Ron.' And then we'd form a friendship. "

" Doing five-minute sets on 'Conan' and things like that are fun and a great way to introduce yourself, but it's such a constricting time, and you usually have to cut bits down. "

" If I'm super scared or sick, I'll still suck my thumb. "

" I think that's the difference between meetings in New York and L.A. In New York, it's like, 'Be there, and be there on time.' In L.A. it's like, 'Oh, we get it. You might have ran into traffic. We'll reschedule.' "

" I think my comedy is about finding the good in bad situations - finding the joy. Why be angry? It doesn't help anything. "

" Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.' "

" I love a good Roy Rogers or Shirley Temple, and I had to give those up. And Philly cheesesteaks. I love Philly cheesesteaks, and now they really aren't around anymore. "

" I like the Bulls, the Bears - Chicago. "

" We definitely have a Wii U. It gets pulled out whenever there's a new great game coming out. "

" Trying to maintain your health on the road can be difficult. Especially in the middle of the country where they close by 9 and you're not out of work until midnight. You end up at a McDonald's or Taco Bell. "

" In any great art, you create a world, and you invite people into that world, and hopefully, it's fleshed out enough and you've explained it well enough. "

" A lady emailed me that her child had been diagnosed with autism and that hearing my material on the subject had helped her. To me, it just means that I'm making the right decision in talking about this. "

" My mom could afford to put us in a Catholic school for grades one through seven, but not after that. "

" Some of my biggest influences are people like Steven Wright and Todd Berry. I'm a shy person, and I don't think people who aspire to do comedy think that's an option. "

" Denver has smart and energetic crowds that appreciate good comedy and don't take themselves too seriously. "

" My breakfast is usually some oatmeal and berries and some agave, or a protein shake. "

" I love Nintendo, I'll never not love Nintendo. I want to play new Zeldas, basically. "

" The worst job I ever had was working as a Lady Liberty sign-twirler for a tax services place, where I'd just dance and have fun. The way I talk about it makes it sounds like a fun job - but then I got a staph infection from the costume. So that was probably the worst part about it. "