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" New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. "

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" I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population. "

Craig Kilborn

Fragile

May

Well

" They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger. "

" CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new. "

Craig Kilborn

Try

Generous

" People who go into show business are screwed up. "

Craig Kilborn

Business

Show

" As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription. "

" Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down. "

" Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place. "

" Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.' "

" I have a wonderful respect for old people. "

" I thought late-night was crowded... the format's repetitive. "

" People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife. "

" I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way. "

" I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California. "

" It's fun being creative and that's satisfying. "

" However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be. "

" President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up. "

" A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone. "

" The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.' "

" I'm going to miss my best friends - my cameras. "

" Broadcasting was something, I don't want to say it came easy, but it's something I'm comfortable doing. "

" My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.' "

Craig Kilborn

Said

You

" I'm from the Midwest. "

Craig Kilborn

Midwest

" I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 - the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos. "

" The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on. "

" I enjoyed retirement the right way... linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese. "

" I don't complain. "

Craig Kilborn

Complain

" I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons. "

" In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series. "

" Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch. "

" John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?' "