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All Quotes by author - Craig Kilborn
" As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription. "
Budget
Congress
Fighting
" A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone. "
Phone
Students
College
" Broadcasting was something, I don't want to say it came easy, but it's something I'm comfortable doing. "
Say
Comfortable
Want
" CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new. "
Try
Generous
Me
" Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place. "
Always
Dark
Place
" Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.' "
White
House
Democrats
" Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down. "
See
Big
Down
" However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be. "
Humor
However
Funny
" I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California. "
California
Doing
People
" I don't complain. "
Complain
" I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population. "
Fragile
May
Well
" I enjoyed retirement the right way... linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese. "
Way
Retirement
Red
" I have a wonderful respect for old people. "
Wonderful
Respect
Old People
" I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons. "
Age
Person
Early
" I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle. "
Studio
Apartment
Lived
" I'm from the Midwest. "
Midwest
" I'm going to miss my best friends - my cameras. "
Cameras
Friends
Best
" In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series. "
Red Sox
Red
Human
" I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed. "
Mankind
Needy
Sensitive
" I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way. "
You
View
Think
" I thought late-night was crowded... the format's repetitive. "
Repetitive
Late-Night
Thought
" It's fun being creative and that's satisfying. "
Creative
Fun
Satisfying
" I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 - the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos. "
Used
Young
Make
" John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?' "
Officially
Said
You
" My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.' "
Said
You
Me
" New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. "
Now
Planning
Castle
" People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife. "
Relationship
Sex
Wife
" People who go into show business are screwed up. "
Go
Business
Show
" President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up. "
Support
Sad
Man
" Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch. "
Habit
Night
She
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