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" The difference between our decadence and the Russians' is that while theirs is brutal, ours is apathetic. "

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" The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature. "

" Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man. "

" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "

" Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband). "

" A drawing is always dragged down to the level of its caption. "

" The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal. "

" There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. "

" Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. "

" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "

" Last night I dreamed of a small consolation enjoyed only by the blind: Nobody knows the trouble I've not seen! "

" Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. "

" But what is all this fear of and opposition to Oblivion? What is the matter with the soft Darkness, the Dreamless Sleep? "

" All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why. "

" Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. "

" Man is flying too fast for a world that is round. Soon he will catch up with himself in a great rear end collision. "

" Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead. "

" The animals that depend on instinct have an inherent knowledge of the laws of economics and of how to apply them; Man, with his powers of reason, has reduced economics to the level of a farce which is at once funnier and more tragic than Tobacco Road. "

" One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough. "

" The most dangerous food is wedding cake. "

" Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. "

" Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation. "

" Discussion in America means dissent. "

" Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness. "

" I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40. "