Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? "

Related Quotes:

" I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny. "

" Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting. "

" Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks. "

" Last night I dreamed of a small consolation enjoyed only by the blind: Nobody knows the trouble I've not seen! "

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" Its funny, because for females in general - not just in music, but the corporate ladder as well - anything we do has always been harder for us. When it comes to music, the industry wants you to conform, to look like this and to sound like this and do this or that. It makes it harder. It's harder for us to come out and be bosses and lead the pack. "

" I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women. "

" I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem. "

" I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. "

" Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. "

" If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. "

Abraham Lincoln

" I think that I come off as, 'Nothing bothers me, I don't care! I'm funny and sassy.' But I'm deeply sensitive. Not only about myself but to others. Not to pat myself on the back, empathy is a quality I've cultivated over my life. It came naturally to me as a child. "

" He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. "

" If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. "

William Lyon Phelps

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "

" Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" I don't mean to be funny. "

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. "

" Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which is just a shorthand for this way of life that holds you underwater. And you just wonder what our country would be if we allowed these people to flourish and reach their full potential. "

Matthew Desmond

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation. "