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" The goal is doing stand-up on TV somewhere, which is what I'm working on. Something on latenight or Comedy Central, but - I dunno, something. It could happen, it could not happen. "

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" Twitter is basically just writing a bunch of one-liners - it's a short form or whatever. "

" I hated 'Avatar' from the jump. And I like James Cameron. I'm not opposed to James Cameron. "

" I don't know a single person that's like, ''Avatar' is my favorite movie.' It never even comes up. I don't know anyone that will defend that movie. "

" The whole point of comedy, what's fun, is taking the stupid thought I had and working it into something that makes a bunch of people laugh. "

" I felt like I couldn't meet a single rich person. Regardless of where I live, they don't want to talk to me. I threw a barbecue and invited the whole neighborhood, and nobody showed up. "

" The holy grail for me is just stand-up - It's always been that. If I can just tour and headline in stand-up, that's the dream. But I'll do anything that looks like fun, y'know? "

" Everybody wants to be Doug Stanhope; everybody wants to be Bill Hicks - and those are great people to aim for, but they had the fundamentals down. They knew how to be funny. "

" Put me on the Food Network - I'll be the funniest guy talking about food. I don't care. "

" It's weird writing for a documentary because I have all these ideas for what I want to happen, but what actually happens is obviously completely different. "

" Kansas City, well, part of the town's pretty cool, and part of the town is not. But it's gonna be that way no matter where you go. "

" If you have any sense, if you're any good at comedy, you come to Austin. "

" I was living in upstate New York, in Kingston - small town, no comedy scene except for my friends and I doing these DIY shows and whatnot. And we put together this thing called the 'Altercation Punk Rock Comedy Tour.' "

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" I definitely have friends who gave me a tag for a joke I already had. Like, 'Here's another line.' A tag is, 'Oooooh, it's an industry term.' It's like, there's the punchline, and a tag is like a secondary punchline. "

" I wanna be funny, but if I have a chance to make a point while being funny - why not? "