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" Twitter is basically just writing a bunch of one-liners - it's a short form or whatever. "

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" I don't know a single person that's like, ''Avatar' is my favorite movie.' It never even comes up. I don't know anyone that will defend that movie. "

" When 'Titanic' came out on VHS, I was working at a Sam's Club, which is already the worst. I don't know what you know about working for the Walton family, but it's horrific. "

" Put me on the Food Network - I'll be the funniest guy talking about food. I don't care. "

" I wanna be funny, but if I have a chance to make a point while being funny - why not? "

" There's a difference between hiring writers and stealing jokes. "

" The whole point of comedy, what's fun, is taking the stupid thought I had and working it into something that makes a bunch of people laugh. "

" I was living in upstate New York, in Kingston - small town, no comedy scene except for my friends and I doing these DIY shows and whatnot. And we put together this thing called the 'Altercation Punk Rock Comedy Tour.' "

" The goal is doing stand-up on TV somewhere, which is what I'm working on. Something on latenight or Comedy Central, but - I dunno, something. It could happen, it could not happen. "

" If you have any sense, if you're any good at comedy, you come to Austin. "

" If you like looking at 'Starry Night' or water lilies or whatever, then why does it matter if it's an original? If the artist is still alive, and you want to support them, I get it. But if you want some famous dead guy's work, that's just a way for rich people to show off. It's the upper-class version of driving a giant Hummer. "

" Everybody wants to be Doug Stanhope; everybody wants to be Bill Hicks - and those are great people to aim for, but they had the fundamentals down. They knew how to be funny. "

" I definitely have friends who gave me a tag for a joke I already had. Like, 'Here's another line.' A tag is, 'Oooooh, it's an industry term.' It's like, there's the punchline, and a tag is like a secondary punchline. "

" I felt like I couldn't meet a single rich person. Regardless of where I live, they don't want to talk to me. I threw a barbecue and invited the whole neighborhood, and nobody showed up. "

" The holy grail for me is just stand-up - It's always been that. If I can just tour and headline in stand-up, that's the dream. But I'll do anything that looks like fun, y'know? "

" Kansas City, well, part of the town's pretty cool, and part of the town is not. But it's gonna be that way no matter where you go. "

" The flat-out worst movie I've ever seen has to be Uwe Boll's 'Rampage.' "

" I hated 'Avatar' from the jump. And I like James Cameron. I'm not opposed to James Cameron. "