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" The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life. "
Alan King
World
Trying
Run
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" You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. "
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Spend
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Years
" If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. "
Alan King
You
Want
Books
" I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want. "
Alan King
Long
Wife
Mind
" A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat! "
Alan King
Tried
Jewish
Holiday
" That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about. "
Alan King
Great
Time
Me
" My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins. "
Alan King
Cousins
Mother
Sister
" Age, style, where you come from, where you were born, it's different every time, which, to me, is refreshing because it says that there isn't any one thing, one formula or kind of character that makes a great comedian. Everybody has had a different approach. "
Alan King
Age
Me
Great
" When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted. "
Alan King
Juice
Me
Apple
" Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn. "
Alan King
Learn
Good
Museums
" Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? "
Alan King
New
Friend
Now
" It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback. "
Alan King
Been
Being
Father
" Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it. "
Alan King
Mirror
Comedy
Fun
" I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify. "
Alan King
Big
Think
Ability
" We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. "
Alan King
Only
Crime
Humor
" Modesty is not one of my virtues. "
Alan King
Modesty
Virtues
" My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.' "
Alan King
Father
Failure
End
" I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit. "
Alan King
Men
People
Great
" I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor. "
Alan King
Place
Armor
Suits
" Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party. "
Alan King
Right
Party
Dictionary
" You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine. "
Alan King
Live
Except
Shirley
" Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. "
Alan King
Fighting
Strangers
Nature
" My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy. "
Alan King
Wife
Attention
Me
" If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny. "
Alan King
Funny
You
Yourself
" Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one of them should die than one of us.' "
Alan King
You
Want
Living