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" You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. "
Alan King
Spend
Toilet
Years
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" I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want. "
Alan King
Long
Wife
Mind
" When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted. "
Alan King
Juice
Me
Apple
" A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat! "
Alan King
Tried
Jewish
Holiday
" If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny. "
Alan King
Funny
You
Yourself
" I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify. "
Alan King
Big
Think
Ability
" Modesty is not one of my virtues. "
Alan King
Modesty
Virtues
" I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor. "
Alan King
Place
Armor
Suits
" Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn. "
Alan King
Learn
Good
Museums
" Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. "
Alan King
Fighting
Strangers
Nature
" If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books. "
Alan King
You
Want
Books
" It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback. "
Alan King
Been
Being
Father
" My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins. "
Alan King
Cousins
Mother
Sister
" My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy. "
Alan King
Wife
Attention
Me
" Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one of them should die than one of us.' "
Alan King
You
Want
Living
" That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about. "
Alan King
Great
Time
Me
" My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.' "
Alan King
Father
Failure
End
" The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life. "
Alan King
World
Trying
Run
" We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. "
Alan King
Only
Crime
Humor
" My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails. "
Alan King
Nails
Him
Cut
" You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine. "
Alan King
Live
Except
Shirley
" Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it. "
Alan King
Mirror
Comedy
Fun
" Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? "
Alan King
New
Friend
Now
" Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party. "
Alan King
Right
Party
Dictionary
" I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit. "
Alan King
Men
People
Great