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" This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done. "

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" I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do. "

" I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!' "

" The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have. "

" The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric. "

" Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It's not getting put through the filter of a television executive who's decided you're too old to justify the expenditure. "

" I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate. "

" The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive. "

" Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities. "

" Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh. "

" I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do. "

" I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work. "

" I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted. "

" I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh. "

" I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. "

" Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good. "

" I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book. "

" I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change. "

" I think probably - I think, you know, when you're first dating somebody, if they're just not that physical with you, if they don't want to make concrete plans with you, you know, if they're sort of ambiguous about where everything is going, I think that's a pretty good sign that they're not into you. "

" I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it. "