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" Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. "

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" I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts. "

" MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. "

" If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid. "

" Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling. "

" If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay. "

" Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others. "

" I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive. "

" In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up. "

" If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan. "

" There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God? "

" I wanted to be less well-known in comedy. "

" Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. "

" I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do. "

" I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever. "

" I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear. "

" I don't believe that competitions are important. "

" I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go. "

" I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character. "

" I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. "

" If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel. "

" Never put a sock in a toaster. "

" I'm a one-man idiot. "

" Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. "

" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

" They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' "

" I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. "

" Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too. "

" So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel! "

" My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal. "

" I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can. "