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" I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. "

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" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" We're a phenomenally snobby society, and it's such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny. "

" Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings. "

Sparky Anderson

" I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny. "

" I wanted to be less well-known in comedy. "

" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "

" I wanted to be clever, but being funny came first. That's how you know someone is clever. They don't come out and tell you pi to 13 places - they tell you a joke. "

" I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it. "

" We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know? "

" In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. "

" I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. "

" The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have. "

" People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "

" I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

" There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. "

Jean Baudrillard

" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

Laurence J. Peter

" I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. "

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

Benjamin Disraeli

" I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. "

" The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered. "

" I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans. "

" Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things. "

Bernard Sahlins

" It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.' "

Garrett Hedlund

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "

" Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. "

" What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. "