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" Never put a sock in a toaster. "

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" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. "

" I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it. "

" I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on. "

" It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. "

" It's funny: the one time I got star-struck was when I met Snoop Dogg. I gave him a hug and said, 'I love you, man.' "

" It's funny; it's a real balancing act. In TV, everybody's talking about authenticity. In order to make 'Dirty Jobs' authentic, I really can't be overly informed. The minute I am, I become a host... It's a very tricky business paying a tribute to work, because TV is very bad at it. "

" My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was if anybody had a problem with me, tell them to go to hell. "

" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "

Charles M. Schulz

" It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little Girls' literally in tears. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "

Sabrina Carpenter

" I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That's the difference. "

" So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? "

Christina Aguilera

" Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. "

Charles Dudley Warner

" When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. "

" He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. "

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "

" I'm not that good looking. That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny. "

" Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. "

George Bernard Shaw

" I'm probably not very funny. The scripts just don't come in, or the ones that do aren't that good. I suppose I'm just an old drama queen, really. "

" If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan. "

" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "

" God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. "

" I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time. "

" The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That can be me.' So I started working out. The funny thing is I didn't realize back then that I was having a defining moment. "

" Comedy is only funny when there's real pain. "

" 'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. "

" I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. "

" Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. "