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" When I'm up there, I'm just thinking that I've got to make them laugh or they won't show up next time. "

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" Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you're trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark. You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, 'You got me, buddy. Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.' "

" I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people. "

" Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes. "

" I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle. "

" You probably need 1/10 of the world's population for us to continue to exist. There's just too many damn people. You have to somehow get us from 7 billion people to... I don't know what the magic number is, but I imagine at some point, that will happen. And I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm making the cut. "

" Stand up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can't just be like, 'Alright, I got my hour down, people are coming to see me now. Now, I'm going to lean on the mike stand.' No, you gotta work even harder now. You got to top what you already did. Because they'll find someone else. "

" I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage. "

" My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. "

" I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed. "

" What happens is when you have a kid, you are a unique human being, so you are going to have a unique experience. No one can really tell you what youre going to feel. "

" You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can't believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me. "

" Podcasting is great. Total freedom. "

" Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It's not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it's a pile of rocks next to a highway. There's actually a highway right next to it, but you don't see that in pictures. "

" I have friends in this business who put pictures of their kids on Facebook. That's not something I would do. "

" Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.' "

" I think I just say what I'm thinking. And - you know, if people relate to it, they relate to it, but - I really - you know, if you really listen to me, I don't have my finger on any pulse. "

" If you do live shows long enough as a comedian, you can still hear that rhythm of laughing. It's ingrained in you, and it's not something you can really teach somebody. It comes from doing hours and hours and hours and years and decades on stage, performing in front of live crowds. "

" As far as my mindset changing, I see myself having more empathy in my older age. "

" The Giants beating the undefeated Patriots, that's all a joke. The star of a reality show is going to run the country. The guy who decided if Bret Michaels or Cyndi Lauper would make a better CEO for a company that doesn't exist is going to be running stuff. "

" For us, a lot of the cartoon and crazy stuff on 'F Is for Family' is tertiary characters; it happens on the television in the show. We try to keep whatever problem the Murphy family is dealing with rooted as much as we can in reality. "

" When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots. "

" I can't quite remember who I voted for president. It wasn't Trump or Hillary, though. I didn't like either one of them. "

" I think some people really change when they become a dad. Like, I've changed in different ways. I - but, like, my comedy hasn't changed. And I've also seen people do that where you become this - you become a dad, and then all of a sudden, you're trying to be a role model. "

" I gotta be honest with you. I'm kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels? "