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" I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed. "

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" I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 - the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos. "

" I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons. "

" New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. "

" However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be. "

" I don't complain. "

" I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle. "

" Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place. "

" CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new. "

" In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series. "

" Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch. "

" Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down. "

" I'm going to miss my best friends - my cameras. "

" I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California. "

" Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.' "

" Broadcasting was something, I don't want to say it came easy, but it's something I'm comfortable doing. "

" I have a wonderful respect for old people. "

" A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone. "

" They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger. "

" I'm from the Midwest. "

" It's fun being creative and that's satisfying. "

" People who go into show business are screwed up. "

" I enjoyed retirement the right way... linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese. "

" I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way. "

" As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription. "

" John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?' "

" I thought late-night was crowded... the format's repetitive. "

" The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on. "

" My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.' "

" I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population. "

" People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife. "