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" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "
Conan O'Brien
Skills
Want
Men
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" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "
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Some
Life
" The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. "
Conan O'Brien
Country
Results
Saying
" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "
Conan O'Brien
Work Hard
Work
Kind
" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "
Conan O'Brien
Too
Found
Way
" In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. "
Conan O'Brien
Moving Forward
Forward
People
" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "
Conan O'Brien
Plan
Finding
Museum
" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "
Conan O'Brien
Years
Star
Said
" Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. "
Conan O'Brien
Today
School
Vote
" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "
Conan O'Brien
Successful
Your
You
" During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. "
Conan O'Brien
End
Think
Night
" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "
Conan O'Brien
Going
Story
Gay
" When all else fails there's always delusion. "
Conan O'Brien
Always
When All Else Fails
Delusion
" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "
Conan O'Brien
Nose
Years
Rock And Roll
" President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. "
Conan O'Brien
Baseball
Today
Start
" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "
Conan O'Brien
People
You
Say
" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "
Conan O'Brien
Dream
Speak
Job
" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "
Conan O'Brien
Early
Contract
Egg
" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "
Conan O'Brien
Disappointment
Clarity
Beauty
" I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be. "
Conan O'Brien
Know
Experience
Climb
" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "
Conan O'Brien
Mouth
Mask
Halloween
" I have an abacus at home. "
Conan O'Brien
Home
" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "
Conan O'Brien
Thought
You
Kind
" It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. "
Conan O'Brien
Seems
Good
Economy
" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "
Conan O'Brien
Doing
Dating
She
" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "
Conan O'Brien
Anymore
Happy
Comment
" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday
Possible
Time
" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "
Conan O'Brien
Right
Said
Research
" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "
Conan O'Brien
Army
Help
Government
" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "
Conan O'Brien
President
Write
Yes
" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "
Conan O'Brien
White
Saying
War