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" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "

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" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "

" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "

" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "

" There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. "

" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "

" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "

" Fish recognize a bad leader. "

" Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. "

" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "

" When all else fails there's always delusion. "

When All Else Fails

" Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' "

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "

" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "

" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "

" There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference. "

" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "

" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "

" In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. "

" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "

" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "

" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "

" I have an abacus at home. "

" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "

" I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it. "

" According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. "

" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "

" It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. "

" President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. "

" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "