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" It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. "
Conan O'Brien
Seems
Good
Economy
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" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "
Conan O'Brien
Skills
Want
Men
" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "
Conan O'Brien
Too
Found
Way
" Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' "
Conan O'Brien
Say
Cup
Going
" Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. "
Conan O'Brien
Day
Talk
Toys
" During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. "
Conan O'Brien
End
Think
Night
" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "
Conan O'Brien
Dream
Speak
Job
" The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.' "
Conan O'Brien
War
Friends
Fire
" In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath. "
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday
Breath
Man
" Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. "
Conan O'Brien
Path
Will
Your
" Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. "
Conan O'Brien
Today
School
Vote
" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "
Conan O'Brien
Doing
Dating
She
" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday
Possible
Time
" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "
Conan O'Brien
Army
Help
Government
" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "
Conan O'Brien
Cynicism
Quality
Lead
" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "
Conan O'Brien
President
Write
Yes
" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "
Conan O'Brien
Bad
Crazy
Anchor
" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "
Conan O'Brien
Years
Star
Said
" There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. "
Conan O'Brien
Fear
Your
Worst
" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "
Conan O'Brien
You
Watch
Television
" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "
Conan O'Brien
Work Hard
Work
Kind
" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "
Conan O'Brien
Early
Contract
Egg
" In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. "
Conan O'Brien
Moving Forward
Forward
People
" People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. "
Conan O'Brien
People
More
Love
" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "
Conan O'Brien
Successful
Your
You
" President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. "
Conan O'Brien
Baseball
Today
Start
" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "
Conan O'Brien
Mouth
Mask
Halloween
" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "
Conan O'Brien
Anymore
Happy
Comment
" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "
Conan O'Brien
Nose
Years
Rock And Roll
" I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be. "
Conan O'Brien
Know
Experience
Climb
" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "
Conan O'Brien
White
Saying
War