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" For me, nothing brings out my 'born yesterday' idiotic qualities quite like having my photograph taken. "
Sloane Crosley
Yesterday
Photograph
Nothing
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" I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiot's body. "
Sloane Crosley
Zero
Body
Disability
" I attended an extremely small liberal arts school. There were approximately 1,600 of us roaming our New England campus on a good day. My high school was bigger. My freshman year hourly calorie intake was bigger. "
Sloane Crosley
Small
Day
School
" I have a disproportionate amount of faith in the goodness of the world and that everything will actually work out okay. "
Sloane Crosley
Okay
Faith
World
" There's an 'Everything must go!' emotional liquidation feel to the end of your twenties, isn't there? What will happen if we turn thirty and we're not 'ready?' You don't feel entirely settled in any aspect of your life, even if you are on paper. "
Sloane Crosley
Feel
You
Turn
" Unless you are a professional, you will find the tart to be a high-maintenance, unforgiving whistle-blower of a pastry. "
Sloane Crosley
Professional
Will
You
" I definitely rediscovered reading for pleasure by devoting such a large swath of my time to sitting on airplanes. I am now painfully adept at removing my shoes so as to have the least amount of foot surface area touching an airport floor. "
Sloane Crosley
Shoes
Reading
Now
" I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture. "
Sloane Crosley
Effort
Humor
Culture
" When you spin a globe and point to a city and actually go to that city, you build an allowance of missed opportunities on the back end. "
Sloane Crosley
Go
End
You
" They say it's not the snoring itself but those anxiety-packed moments in between snorts. It's the waiting for the nasal passages of the person lying beside you to strike again. And strike it always does. In the dark, almost against your will, you produce that special glare reserved for people who cannot control their own behaviour. "
Sloane Crosley
Waiting
People
Moments
" I think that most New Yorkers would object to calling me a New Yorker. I didn't grow up here. "
Sloane Crosley
Grow
Think
New
" Are there moments when I see unrequited crushes or ex-boyfriends slow dancing with their dates and kind of want to stab myself in the spleen with a salad fork? Yeah, sure. "
Sloane Crosley
Myself
Death
Dancing
" My grandmother was a kind of Scarsdale, New York, society woman, best known in her day as the author of the 1959 book 'Growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide for Teen-Agers' - this despite being a person whose parenting style made Joan Crawford's wire hangers look like pool noodles. "
Sloane Crosley
Style
Woman
Best
" Ah, the power of two. There's nothing quite like it. Especially when it comes to paying utility bills, parenting, cooking elaborate meals, purchasing a grown-up bed, jumping rope and lifting heavy machinery. The world favours pairs. Who wants to waste the wood building an ark for singletons? "
Sloane Crosley
Power
World
Wood
" I was the youngest of my entire family so you are tap-dancing to try to get the attention of your older cousins. I really hit my social stride in 6th grade, but before that I was a pretty big dork. You learn how to be amusing and how to work for it. "
Sloane Crosley
Family
You
Work
" Everyone has been in a social situation where you say something and it goes unnoticed, then someone else says the same thing and everyone laughs a lot. You learn how to be more creative and whacky and amusing. "
Sloane Crosley
You
Situation
Say
" You know what they say: 'Why sit at a table that doesn't have key lime pie on it if you don't have to?' "
Sloane Crosley
You
Know
Pie
" The world I describe is about how people live now. It's not about zany people with unlimited, inexplicable funds in an apartment somewhere. "
Sloane Crosley
Somewhere
World
People
" I love to bake, so I made vanilla bean and blueberry muffins for sick hospital children. Just kidding! All of that is true except the sick children part. "
Sloane Crosley
Hospital
Children
True
" I love giving people advice on what to do with their books, but I don't really know how a Kindle Single gets covered. "
Sloane Crosley
Giving
People
Love
" A pet store is a celebration of dogs' existence and an explosion of options. About cats, a pet store seems to say, 'Here, we couldn't think of anything else.' Cats are the Hanukkah of the animal world in this way. They are feted quietly and happily by a minority, but there's only so much hoopla applicable to them. "
Sloane Crosley
Pet
Say
Think
" I don't do emoticons unless I'm making a big deal out of them. I'll type out, 'This is so amusing it makes me want to grin in pixels.' And then do it. "
Sloane Crosley
Deal
Big
Me
" Being a writer is an endless study in human transition and lessons learned or forgotten or misapplied. "
Sloane Crosley
Human
Transition
Forgotten
" Personal technology has given us the freedom of being able to do whatever we want - and in the case of celebrities and athletes, whomever they want. But it can also serve as a humiliation jetpack. "
Sloane Crosley
Us
Want
Technology
" I have certain rules that I've established for myself that took a while post-day job to figure out. Everyone says people who freelance or are writers struggle with the structure of it. I'm not allowed to check email before a certain hour. I'm not allowed to run errands during the day. I have to write a certain amount every day. "
Sloane Crosley
Job
Run
Struggle
" Cohabitation seems a greater leap in cities because it's all the harder to extract oneself if things turn sour. It's what keeps otherwise functional adults living with their mothers. "
Sloane Crosley
Mothers
Living
Leap
" My personality, when tasked with creating meals, goes something like this: Is there a way we can make this more difficult? Because let's do that. I don't mean to complicate things. It's just - why buy pre-packaged potato salad when you can spend your morning boiling potatoes and flipping out because there's no dill in the house? "
Sloane Crosley
You
House
Way
" I used to think that nails-down-a-chalkboard was the worst sound in the world. Then I moved on to people-eating-cereal-on-the-phone. But only this week did I stumble across the rightful winner: it's the sound of a baggage carousel coming to a grinding halt, having reunited every passenger on your flight with their luggage, except for you. "
Sloane Crosley
Winner
You
Flight
" It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate. "
Sloane Crosley
Me
Humor
I Am
" I would gladly have accepted a heaping spoonful of nepotism when I got out of college and was looking for a job. "
Sloane Crosley
Out
College
Got
" As most New Yorkers have done, I have given serious and generous thought to the state of my apartment should I get killed during the day. "
Sloane Crosley
Most
Done
Day