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" I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color. "

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" My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' "

" People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?' "

" It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. "

" I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time. "

" I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer. "

" I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. "

" If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff. "

" When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!' "

" I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' "

" Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down. "

" I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. "

" I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.' "

" I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47. "

" I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. "

" I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower. "

" I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. "

" You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades. "

" There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. "

" My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time. "

" I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises. "

" I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. "

" Europe has such an expansive history. "

" It's fun being Bill Engvall. "

" If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody. "