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" I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47. "

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" When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!' "

" My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' "

" You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades. "

" If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody. "

" It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. "

" There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. "

" I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.' "

" I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. "

" People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?' "

" Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down. "

" Europe has such an expansive history. "

" I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. "

" I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises. "

" If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff. "

" If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. "

" I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer. "

" I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower. "

" It's fun being Bill Engvall. "

" I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' "

" I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. "

" I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. "

" I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time. "

" I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. "

" I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color. "