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" I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you. "

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" If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now. "

" People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film. "

" I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F. "

" If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again. "

" I never want to give up stand-up. Because I still get a thrill out of it. "

" I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell. "

" Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something. "

" Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis. "

" You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character. "

" My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. "

" I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived. "

" Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit. "

" I love standup and I haven't given it up. "

" I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out. "

" Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. "

" I just go to work, come home. And my wife lets me throw my clothes on the floor, and she doesn't say anything, so I must be making some money. "

" I have some classes in accounting, but I don't know anything about accounting. I - you know, when my accountant tells me all the things he does, it's a foreign language to me. "

" I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way. "

" I'm at an age where crying is easier for me now. I like it. I can cry at a poignant commercial; I can cry at a - this is a running joke in my house, but... a good 'Star-Spangled Banner' can make me cry. I'm not kidding. "

" It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing. "

Low Self-Esteem

" The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life. "

" It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience. "

" I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience. "

" My joke used to be about my father and Peter Boyle: that anything you see Peter Boyle do on TV, my father has done in real life without pants on. "