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" I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults. "

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" I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. "

" While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. "

" I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life. "

" Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. "

" When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite. "

" Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. "

" I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children. "

" I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did. "

" Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. "

" I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system? "

" Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. "

" I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car. "

" I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics. "

" In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship. "

" I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever. "

" In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best. "

" The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels. "

" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. "

" I have a thing for tools. "

" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. "

" The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux. "

" I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it. "