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" I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

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" I have a thing for tools. "

" Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. "

" I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever. "

" Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. "

" I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car. "

" My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. "

" I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system? "

" I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life. "

" You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress. "

" I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics. "

" When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite. "

" The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels. "

" I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children. "

" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship. "

" I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did. "

" I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults. "

" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. "

" The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux. "

" Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. "

" While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. "

" Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. "

" I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it. "

" Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. "