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" I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons. "

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" I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers. "

" Women put guys through tests all the time. "

" You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over. "

" My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing. "

" I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious. "

" I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience. "

" You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger. "

" I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage. "

" I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor. "

" You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity. "

" When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage. "

" All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest. "

" Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware? "

" I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths. "

" There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts. "

" I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit. "

" I was the hallway clown in high school. "

" You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple. "

" Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. "

" I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer. "

" For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place. "

" You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world. "

" True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one. "