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" I was the hallway clown in high school. "

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" You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world. "

" When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage. "

" I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths. "

" I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience. "

" You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over. "

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" There's book smart, there is street smart, there's relationship smart, there's too many different kinds of smarts to know all of them. Everybody doesn't know every kind of smart. There's money smart, there's movie smart, there's computer smart. There's just too many different kinds of smarts for people to know all the smarts. "

" My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing. "

" I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me. "

" I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer. "

" All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest. "

" True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one. "

" You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger. "

" I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor. "

" You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple. "

" I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious. "

" Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware? "

" You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity. "

" Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. "

" I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers. "

" Women put guys through tests all the time. "