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" I just want the audience to have a wonderful, happy feeling inside them and leave with big smiles on their faces. "

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" What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality. "

" Tank you veddy much. "

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" I'm from Hollywood. That's where we make movies and TV shows... I'm not from down here in men-fus ten-uh-see, okay? "

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" If I was going to be a little boy about it, I'd go into hiding for one or two years. But if I was going to be a man about it, it'd be 20 or 30 years. "

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" I never told a joke in my life. "

" Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away. "

" I thought Doodyville was inside of the television. You know, like, if television was this box - and if I went inside the box that was a television, I'd be in Doodyville. "

" My parents would say, 'Why don't you go out and play?' and I would say, 'I can't! I'm putting on my shows!' "

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" The more they hate you, the better you're doing. "

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" There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me. "

" If I play my cards right, I could bring network wrestling back to TV. Unfortunately, to most people, wrestling is a laughingstock. But fortunately, I'm reaching people who otherwise wouldn't watch it. "