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" If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty. "

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" Anything you can suck at should make you nervous. "

" If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go. "

" Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. "

" A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage. "

" Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes. "

" Pretty girls have problems too. "

" You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. "

" I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. "

" When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. "

" Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. "

" Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars. "

" I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. "

" The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. "

" There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. "

" I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird. "

" Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. "

" Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career. "

" President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen. "

" You can only offend me if you mean something to me. "

" Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people. "

" If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. "

" I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge. "

" Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. "

" Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. "