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" You can only offend me if you mean something to me. "

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" Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. "

" There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. "

" I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. "

" President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen. "

" Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. "

" Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career. "

" Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. "

" If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go. "

" I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge. "

" The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. "

" Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars. "

" A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage. "

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" If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty. "

" If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. "

" Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. "

" Anything you can suck at should make you nervous. "

" Pretty girls have problems too. "

" Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. "

" I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. "

" When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. "

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" Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again. "