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" Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars. "
" If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go. "
" Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. "
" If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty. "
" Pretty girls have problems too. "
" You can only offend me if you mean something to me. "
" Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. "
" Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career. "
" The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much. "
" Anything you can suck at should make you nervous. "
" A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage. "
" Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again. "
" President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen. "
" If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. "
" Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. "
" When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. "
" I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. "
" You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. "
" Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes. "
" I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. "
" Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. "
" I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge. "
" Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. "
" Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people. "
" There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. "