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" If I were like your mother, I would be a woman. "

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" If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me. "

" I wasn't particularly funny in high school, but I grew up with three older brothers who were quite funny. "

" I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around. "

" I'm convinced to do improv. All you have to do is listen to what people are saying to you, and then just add more information to what they've just said. That's all there is to improv, but it's the hardest thing to do. "

" Drew's a funny guy. Because anything he gets into, he gets in 100%. Even when we were doing 'The Drew Carey Show,' he got into bowling, and suddenly he's phoning up pros for tips and carrying around 3 balls. It's just how he does it. "

" If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish! "

" The first rule to living in America is 'Stop tap dancing, you fool!'. "

" I love B.C., but you know what taxes are like in Canada. "

" You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards. "

" What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess. "

" I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982. "

" If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian. "

" Back off or the lizard gets it! "

" Never interrupt me when I'm eating a banana. "

" When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I'm damn gouda. "

" I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States. "

" On 'Whose Line,' we had six, seven, eight scenes per show, so everything was pretty quick. And there's a lot of games that we just got tired of, like 'Hats' and 'World's Worst' and 'Hoedown' and stuff. "

" I did standup for a lot of years, too, but when you come out as a standup, you get the feeling from a crowd - it's a kind of a 'make me laugh' attitude. But when you come out as an improvisor, they realize that they're suggesting everything you do. So they're already invested in the scene, and they actually want it to work. "

" I was into sports in high school, but I got kicked out of Richmond High at 17, so I never graduated. However, I still get invites to the class reunions... I don't know that I want to see how everyone looks now. "

" Never trust sheep. "

" That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy. "

" I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe. "

" If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife. "