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" I've wanted to be a writer since I was a boy, though it seemed an unlikely outcome since I showed no real talent. But I persevered and eventually found my own row to hoe. Ignorance of other writers' work keeps me from discouragement and I am less well-read than the average bus driver. "

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" A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it. "

Garrison Keillor

Stop

Coffee

Girl

" Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve. "

" My religion would be a gentle faith that believed in the sacredness of leisure. Napping as a form of prayer. "

" I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. "

" I don't have a great eye for detail. I leave blanks in all of my stories. I leave out all detail, which leaves the reader to fill in something better. "

" They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. "

" The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage. "

" A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever. "

" Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then. "

" When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't. "

" I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme. "

Garrison Keillor

Hear

Off

" The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles. "

" I write for a radio show that, no matter what, will go on the air Saturday at five o'clock central time. You learn to write toward that deadline, to let the adrenaline pick you up on Friday morning and carry you through, to cook up a monologue about Lake Wobegon and get to the theater on time. "

" Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore. "

Garrison Keillor

Then

Surprise

" A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. "

" A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer. "

Garrison Keillor

Turn

Clock

" Cursing is highly effective in person - someone kicks his car in rage, forgetting he's wearing flip-flops, flames pour from his mouth, and it's impressive. But you see it in print, and it's just ugly. "

" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

" I love New York, and I'm drawn to a certain intensity of life, but I've just never felt like I want to escape from the Midwest. A writer lives a great deal in his own head, and so one intuitively finds places where your head is more clear. New York for me is one of those places. "

" Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. "

Garrison Keillor

Teach

Cats

" Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average. "

" Zoroastrians believe in one Great Almighty Spirit of Good who is in combat against evil forces, and Goodness prevails in the end. There is no self-flagellation or staring at the sun or snake-handling. "

" I can write anywhere. I write in airports. I write on airplanes. I've written in the back seats of taxis. I write in hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. I just write wherever I am whenever I need to write. "

" It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars. "

" I talk in subjects and verbs, and sort of wind around in concentric circles until I get far enough away from the beginning so that I can call it the end, and it ends. "

" The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. "

" Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. "

" I want to resume the life of a shy person. "

" I think that if writers are tempted to do other things, they ought to go do other things. They should not write if they don't feel like it. I say this as a competitor. I am not interested in encouraging people who are in competition with me. "

" A book is a gift you can open again and again. "