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" Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve. "

Garrison Keillor

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" Zoroastrians believe in one Great Almighty Spirit of Good who is in combat against evil forces, and Goodness prevails in the end. There is no self-flagellation or staring at the sun or snake-handling. "

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" God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. "

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" I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.' "

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" I can write anywhere. I write in airports. I write on airplanes. I've written in the back seats of taxis. I write in hotel rooms. I love hotel rooms. I just write wherever I am whenever I need to write. "

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" Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then. "

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" I love New York, and I'm drawn to a certain intensity of life, but I've just never felt like I want to escape from the Midwest. A writer lives a great deal in his own head, and so one intuitively finds places where your head is more clear. New York for me is one of those places. "

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" They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. "

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" Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. "

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" Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted. "

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" I've wanted to be a writer since I was a boy, though it seemed an unlikely outcome since I showed no real talent. But I persevered and eventually found my own row to hoe. Ignorance of other writers' work keeps me from discouragement and I am less well-read than the average bus driver. "

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" My religion would be a gentle faith that believed in the sacredness of leisure. Napping as a form of prayer. "

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" I write for a radio show that, no matter what, will go on the air Saturday at five o'clock central time. You learn to write toward that deadline, to let the adrenaline pick you up on Friday morning and carry you through, to cook up a monologue about Lake Wobegon and get to the theater on time. "

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" The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles. "

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" The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. "

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" A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever. "

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" Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore. "

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" I hear a little firecracker go off when you come up with a good rhyme. "

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" Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average. "

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" It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming. "

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" A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer. "

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" I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy. "

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" I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine. "

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" When you're in your 20s, your 30s, even, you have - at least, I had - vast ambitions, and you sit around mooning about these things, and you're depressed, because you haven't done them. And it takes you a long time to come to the realization that if you can't be John Updike, well, then, you can't. "

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