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" Relationships are made of talk - and talk is for girls and women. "
Deborah Tannen
Women
Talk
Relationships
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" A sister is someone who owns part of what you own: a house, perhaps, or a less tangible legacy, like memories of your childhood and the experience of your family. "
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" You're not from Puerto Rico, so you should say Puerto Rico like all the other people from the place that you come from. "
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People
Place
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" The study of gender and language might seem at first to be a narrowly focused field, but it is actually as interdisciplinary as they come. "
Deborah Tannen
Focused
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Language
" For many women, and a fair number of men, saying 'I'm sorry' isn't literally an apology; it's a ritual way of restoring balance to a conversation. "
Deborah Tannen
Balance
Women
Men
" In my own writing, I avoid 'female' and try to say 'woman' because I feel that the word 'female' has connotations of not just biology but also non-human mammals. The idea of 'female' to me is more appropriate for a female animal. "
Deborah Tannen
Say
Woman
Animal
" I have two sisters; one is two years older, and one is eight years older. That helped me understand how completely different sister relationships can be. "
Deborah Tannen
Sister
Me
Relationships
" The meanings of words and the uses of words come from practice from the way people in a given culture use those words. "
Deborah Tannen
Words
People
Way
" My mother cared a lot about clothes. It was a point of friction because when I was a teenager, and I only wanted to wear my father's shirts, and I never wanted to wear makeup, she would say: 'Put on lipstick.' That was her thing. "
Deborah Tannen
Makeup
Father
Clothes
" The effect of dominance is not always the result of an intention to dominate. "
Deborah Tannen
Always
Dominate
Result
" Much of my work over the years has developed the premise that women's styles of friendship and conversation aren't inherently better than men's, simply different. "
Deborah Tannen
Better
Work
Women
" Most non-New Yorkers, finding themselves within hearing range of strangers' conversation, think it's nice to pretend they didn't hear. But many New Yorkers think it's nice to toss in a relevant comment. "
Deborah Tannen
Think
Conversation
Nice
" A sister is the one person you can call in the middle of the night when you can't sleep or the one who doesn't want to hear about your problems unless you're ready to do something about them. She's the one who is there when you need her or the one whose absence when you need her hurts the most. "
Deborah Tannen
She
Night
Problems
" There is more excitement, more amazement when a first is born. No subsequent babies can have that impact. "
Deborah Tannen
First
Born
Impact
" When women told me they'd always wished they had a sister, they were thinking of this ideal of mutual encouragement and support. Many of those who have sisters also yearn for this ideal because their relationships with their sisters don't always live up to it. "
Deborah Tannen
Support
Sister
Women
" Many mothers and daughters are as close as any two people can be, but closeness always carries with it the need - indeed, the desire - to consider how your actions will affect the other person, and this can make you feel that you are no longer in control of your own life. "
Deborah Tannen
Desire
You
People
" We all know we are unique individuals, but we tend to see others as representatives of groups. "
Deborah Tannen
See
Individuals
Others
" If you talk to your friends the way your parents talk, they will think you are stiff and odd. "
Deborah Tannen
Talk
Parents
Friends
" Conflict can't be avoided in our public lives any more than we can avoid conflict with people we love. One of the great strengths of our society is that we can express these conflicts openly. "
Deborah Tannen
Great
Society
People
" This idea that we should be best friends with our partner of the opposite gender leads toward tremendous frustration. Did you ever notice that while men often refer to their wives as best friends, women usually refer to another woman in that way? "
Deborah Tannen
Frustration
Men
Best
" Conversations with sisters can spark extremes of anger or extremes of love. Everything said between sisters carries meaning not only from what was just said but from all the conversations that came before - and 'before' can span a lifetime. The layers of meaning combine profound connection with equally profound competition. "
Deborah Tannen
Meaning
Competition
Anger
" My writing is about connecting ways of talking to human relationships. My purpose is to show that linguistics has something to offer in understanding and improving relationships. "
Deborah Tannen
Talking
Understanding
Writing
" For women, detailed conversation is our lifeblood, while for men it's just not as critical. "
Deborah Tannen
Just
Men
Our
" The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. "
Deborah Tannen
Relationship
Conversation
Mistake
" I think of myself as a writer as much as I think of myself as a linguist and an academic. I really enjoy writing - playing with language and getting just the right metaphor. "
Deborah Tannen
Enjoy
Language
Myself
" Everything you say in a family carries meaning from all that was said before. So with friends, there is less likelihood of a few words triggering associations from childhood, where our deepest emotions often are rooted. "
Deborah Tannen
Family
Childhood
You
" When evidence emerged that Clinton was a devoted mother, Margaret Carlson writing in 'TIME' found her guilty of 'yuppie overdoting on her daughter.' "
Deborah Tannen
Guilty
Mother
Time
" I grew up in Brooklyn, N.Y. For part of my life, I was living in Detroit, and I remember a friend of mine commenting she could always tell when I had been speaking to my mother because my New York accent had come back. "
Deborah Tannen
My Life
Life
New York
" Where the daughter sees power, the mother feels powerless. Daughters and mothers, I found, both overestimate the other's power - and underestimate their own. "
Deborah Tannen
Power
Underestimate
Mother
" I was one of those daughters who saw my mother as my enemy when I was a teen. "
Deborah Tannen
Saw
Who
Mother
" Everything we say has metamessages indicating how our words are to be interpreted: Is this a serious statement or a joke? Does it show annoyance or goodwill? Most of the time, metamessages are communicated and interpreted without notice because, as far as anyone can tell, the speaker and the hearer agree on their meaning. "
Deborah Tannen
Meaning
Say
Serious