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" You're not from Puerto Rico, so you should say Puerto Rico like all the other people from the place that you come from. "
Deborah Tannen
People
Place
You
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" When women told me they'd always wished they had a sister, they were thinking of this ideal of mutual encouragement and support. Many of those who have sisters also yearn for this ideal because their relationships with their sisters don't always live up to it. "
Deborah Tannen
Support
Sister
Women
" I can't tell you how many times I heard from younger sisters that their older sisters were bossy and judgmental. "
Deborah Tannen
Older
Heard
How
" Now I am married to a man who is a partner and friend. We come from similar backgrounds and share values and interests. It is a continual source of pleasure to talk to him. "
Deborah Tannen
Values
Talk
I Am
" All of us aspire to be powerful, and we all want to connect with others. "
Deborah Tannen
Powerful
Want
Us
" Conflict and opposition are as necessary as cooperation and agreement, but the scale is off balance, with conflict and opposition overweighted. "
Deborah Tannen
Cooperation
Conflict
Balance
" Sister relationships span a huge range, from best friends to worst enemies. From 'I adore her; I talk to her five times a day' to 'I decided to cut her out of my life.' For most women, it's in between. "
Deborah Tannen
Life
Women
Best
" We all feel wistfulness or regret about roads not taken. "
Deborah Tannen
Taken
Feel
Regret
" In a world of status, independence is key, because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status. Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions. "
Deborah Tannen
Women
Men
Independence
" I'm a linguist. I study how people talk to each other and how the ways we talk affect our relationships. "
Deborah Tannen
Study
People
Relationships
" This idea that we should be best friends with our partner of the opposite gender leads toward tremendous frustration. Did you ever notice that while men often refer to their wives as best friends, women usually refer to another woman in that way? "
Deborah Tannen
Frustration
Men
Best
" It's a particularly modern myth that married people are best friends. The best-friend concept is a uniquely female phenomena. "
Deborah Tannen
Best
Modern
Myth
" The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. "
Deborah Tannen
Relationship
Conversation
Mistake
" Many mothers and daughters are as close as any two people can be, but closeness always carries with it the need - indeed, the desire - to consider how your actions will affect the other person, and this can make you feel that you are no longer in control of your own life. "
Deborah Tannen
Desire
You
People
" When Clinton first appeared on the national stage back in 1992, the young wife of the Arkansas governor running for president, she kept her natural-brown hair off her face with a headband. "
Deborah Tannen
Young
Back
Wife
" A double bind is far worse than a straightforward damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't dilemma. It requires you to obey two mutually exclusive commands: Anything you do to fulfill one violates the other. "
Deborah Tannen
Straightforward
Two
You
" Relationships are made of talk - and talk is for girls and women. "
Deborah Tannen
Women
Talk
Relationships
" It might seem at first surprising that when I studied women and men talking at work, I found that women 'interrupted' each other more often than men did - when they were in all-women conversations. "
Deborah Tannen
More
Work
Men
" I would say 'woman' used to be a noun, and now it is a noun and also an adjective. And words change their functions in that way. It's one of the most common phenomena about words. They start as one thing, and they end up as something else. "
Deborah Tannen
Start
Woman
Words
" I think it is important to remember that there are so many different ways to be sisters. "
Deborah Tannen
Remember
Think
Different
" My mother cared a lot about clothes. It was a point of friction because when I was a teenager, and I only wanted to wear my father's shirts, and I never wanted to wear makeup, she would say: 'Put on lipstick.' That was her thing. "
Deborah Tannen
Makeup
Father
Clothes
" One of the first studies in the field of gender and language, by Don H. Zimmerman and Candace West in 1975, found that in casual conversations between women and men, women were interrupted far more often. "
Deborah Tannen
Women
Casual
Gender
" Conflict can't be avoided in our public lives any more than we can avoid conflict with people we love. One of the great strengths of our society is that we can express these conflicts openly. "
Deborah Tannen
Great
Society
People
" When daughters react with annoyance or even anger at the smallest, seemingly innocent remarks, mothers get the feeling that talking to their daughters can be like walking on eggshells: they have to watch every word. "
Deborah Tannen
Walking
React
Anger
" As a sociolinguist, I want to know how cultural differences affect the ways people talk and listen. My research method, inspired by the work of Robin Lakoff and John Gumperz of the University of California at Berkeley, is sociolinguistic microanalysis. I tape-record and transcribe naturally occurring conversations. "
Deborah Tannen
California
Know
People
" Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone. "
Deborah Tannen
Alone
World
Survive
" New Yorkers seem to think the best thing two people can do is talk. "
Deborah Tannen
Best
New
People
" We tend to look through language and not realize how much power language has. "
Deborah Tannen
Language
Realize
Power
" There is more excitement, more amazement when a first is born. No subsequent babies can have that impact. "
Deborah Tannen
First
Born
Impact
" My writing is about connecting ways of talking to human relationships. My purpose is to show that linguistics has something to offer in understanding and improving relationships. "
Deborah Tannen
Talking
Understanding
Writing
" One of the nice things about the United States is that, wherever you go, people speak the same language. So native New Yorkers can move to San Francisco, Houston, or Milwaukee and still understand and be understood by everyone they meet. Right? Well, not exactly. Or, as a native New Yorker might put it, 'Wrong!' "
Deborah Tannen
You
Speak
People