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" The long history of conversations that family members share contributes not only to how listeners interpret words but also to how speakers choose them. "
Deborah Tannen
History
Long
Words
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" Each underestimates her own power and overestimates the other's. "
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Other
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" One of the first studies in the field of gender and language, by Don H. Zimmerman and Candace West in 1975, found that in casual conversations between women and men, women were interrupted far more often. "
Deborah Tannen
Women
Casual
Gender
" If women talk in ways expected of them or project a feminine demeanor, it's seen as weak. But if they talk in ways associated with men or bosses, then they're seen as too aggressive. Whatever they do violates one or the other expectation: either you're not talking as you should as a woman or as boss. "
Deborah Tannen
You
Woman
Talking
" Women as mothers grapple with corresponding contradictions. The adoration they feel for their grown daughters, mixed with the sense of responsibility for their well-being, can be overwhelming, matched only by the hurt they feel when their attempts to help or just stay connected are rebuffed or even excoriated as criticism or devilish interference. "
Deborah Tannen
Help
Feel
Responsibility
" All of us aspire to be powerful, and we all want to connect with others. "
Deborah Tannen
Powerful
Want
Us
" The trickiest thing about the double bind is that it operates imperceptibly, like shots from a gun with a silencer. "
Deborah Tannen
Like
Shots
Bind
" We tend to assume that we have a baseline of speech that's going to be normal in all contexts, but the truth is, we all change our ways of speaking depending on who we're talking to. And so I think it's kind of a gesture of politeness to the people you're speaking to to try to say something in their own idiom. "
Deborah Tannen
Truth Is
Change
People
" I wouldn't say that it's hard for sisters to treat each other with respect. Many do. "
Deborah Tannen
Treat
Hard
Respect
" American popular culture, like individuals in daily life, tends to either romanticize or demonize mothers. We ricochet between 'Everything I ever accomplished I owe to my mother' and 'Every problem I have in my life is my mother's fault.' "
Deborah Tannen
Daily
Mother
Life
" Many mothers or daughters assume that words only mean one thing. 'If I feel criticised, that has to be the whole story', and 'if I feel I am being helpful, that has to be the whole story'. "
Deborah Tannen
Words
Feel
I Am
" A sister is someone who owns part of what you own: a house, perhaps, or a less tangible legacy, like memories of your childhood and the experience of your family. "
Deborah Tannen
Family
Experience
Memories
" It is easy to understand why conflict is so often highlighted: Writers of headlines or promotional copy want to catch attention and attract an audience. They are usually under time pressure, which lures them to established, conventionalized ways of expressing ideas in the absence of leisure to think up entirely new ones. "
Deborah Tannen
Time
Ideas
Conflict
" Why don't men like to stop and ask directions? This question, which I first addressed in my 1990 book 'You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation', garnered perhaps the most attention of any issue or insight in that book. "
Deborah Tannen
Book
You
Why
" Now I am married to a man who is a partner and friend. We come from similar backgrounds and share values and interests. It is a continual source of pleasure to talk to him. "
Deborah Tannen
Values
Talk
I Am
" I was one of those daughters who saw my mother as my enemy when I was a teen. "
Deborah Tannen
Saw
Who
Mother
" The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. "
Deborah Tannen
Relationship
Conversation
Mistake
" Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A mother's gaze is like a magnifying glass held between the sun's rays and kindling. It concentrates the rays of imperfection on her daughter's yearning for approval. The result can be a conflagration - whoosh. "
Deborah Tannen
Result
Daughter
Mother
" The double bind lowers its boom on women in positions of authority, so those who haven't yet risen to such positions have not yet felt its full weight. "
Deborah Tannen
Weight
Who
Women
" The dynamic of fathers and sons seems to be more around competition regarding things such as knowledge, accomplishments, expertise. "
Deborah Tannen
Competition
Things
More
" I think of myself as a writer as much as I think of myself as a linguist and an academic. I really enjoy writing - playing with language and getting just the right metaphor. "
Deborah Tannen
Enjoy
Language
Myself
" Back when the powerful 19th-century senator Henry Clay was called 'the great compromiser,' achieving a compromise really was considered great. "
Deborah Tannen
Powerful
Achieving
Compromise
" We all know we are unique individuals, but we tend to see others as representatives of groups. "
Deborah Tannen
See
Individuals
Others
" When evidence emerged that Clinton was a devoted mother, Margaret Carlson writing in 'TIME' found her guilty of 'yuppie overdoting on her daughter.' "
Deborah Tannen
Guilty
Mother
Time
" The effect of dominance is not always the result of an intention to dominate. "
Deborah Tannen
Always
Dominate
Result
" In my own writing, I avoid 'female' and try to say 'woman' because I feel that the word 'female' has connotations of not just biology but also non-human mammals. The idea of 'female' to me is more appropriate for a female animal. "
Deborah Tannen
Say
Woman
Animal
" Conversations with sisters can spark extremes of anger or extremes of love. Everything said between sisters carries meaning not only from what was just said but from all the conversations that came before - and 'before' can span a lifetime. The layers of meaning combine profound connection with equally profound competition. "
Deborah Tannen
Meaning
Competition
Anger
" Conflict and opposition are as necessary as cooperation and agreement, but the scale is off balance, with conflict and opposition overweighted. "
Deborah Tannen
Cooperation
Conflict
Balance
" If you talk to your friends the way your parents talk, they will think you are stiff and odd. "
Deborah Tannen
Talk
Parents
Friends
" Sisters, to me, are fascinating because it is a unique connection of the coming together of connection and competition. The fact that you have these age differences is a built-in power struggle, and the fact that you're all trying to get attention and resources from the same parents creates competition. "
Deborah Tannen
Age
Power
Struggle
" A sister is like yourself in a different movie, a movie that stars you in a different life. "
Deborah Tannen
Sister
Life
Stars