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" There are some extremely acceptable male comedians out there: Joel Osteen, Abraham Lincoln, the man who played Phil Spector in HBO's 'Phil Spector.' But even those guys, while insightful and amusing, aren't exactly funny. "

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" Yes, some women are funny. No, some women aren't funny. It's similar to how some women are tall and, you know, some women are short. "

Ellie Kemper

Funny

Know

Short

" I think New Yorkers are some of the friendliest people in the world, but it just comes out in a different way. In a way where they're swearing at you. "

" One nice thing that I have discovered about Los Angeles is the enthusiasm with which people dress. "

" I think I get certain pleasure from writing what I'm performing. "

" A lot of people ask, 'What's the best advice Tina Fey's given you?' But she doesn't, like, go about doling out advice - like, 'I've got another tip for you!' "

" If I'm alone, I tend to cook for myself. I do a pretty good job of preparing healthful foods. My go-to is everything in a bowl like quinoa, avocado. Later in the day, scrambled eggs. I'm not a gourmet chef. I cook in bulk very well. "

" I am fully anticipating that something - perhaps many things - will not go according to plan on our actual wedding day. If some of the flowers are wilted, or there aren't enough vegetarian meals, or the priest calls me the wrong name, I will embrace these errors. "

" I loved 'Freaks and Geeks.' I don't know a better show. "

" I love coffee, but I have to make sure I don't have more than one cup a day because I'm already a little hyper. "

Ellie Kemper

Because

Coffee

" I love, love, love, love, love, love Naeem Khan. Every dress he makes looks like it belongs in a museum. You put it on, and you feel like royalty. "

" A man's face is not a rich person's lawn; you are wasting resources if you devote that much energy to trimming your beard, sideburns, or mustache just so. Nor is a man's face the woods; there need not be the tangled weeds, shrubbery, and wildlife/eggs benedict that get ensnared in them. "

" I need to make sure that when I'm running out to the drugstore I'm not wearing a Biore strip or something. Not that I expect anyone to recognize me, but on the off chance they do, I just don't want to embarrass myself. "

" I have found I'm leaning toward more vibrant colors because I'm so happy in them. "

Ellie Kemper

Colors

Because

" Most New Yorkers want to look amazing, and they want you to understand that they look amazing, but they also want you to stop staring at them. "

" I'm not on social media because I feel like that would be just such another level of responsibility that I don't feel up to. It's not uncommon now to have personal and public intertwined, and I don't know how people are able to manage that. I don't know where you go when you want to be alone if everything is out there. "

" For a few months, I'd have a green juice every day, but one day, I realized I'd rather eat those ingredients than drink them. "

" I joined an improv comedy group. Ours was named 'Quick Fire!' with an exclamation point. It was when I auditioned for that team and got on it and felt like... I'll just say I felt like I was good at it. "

" I have very sensitive skin, and so, whenever I can, I want to give it a rest. I'm, like, the moisturizing queen. "

Ellie Kemper

Want

I Can

" I've participated in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon a couple of times, but only in the running portion. "

" In Los Angeles, people dress with the deep and earnest hope that people will do nothing but stare at them. "

" Men, who certainly possess not only the savvy but also the know-how to be funny, for some reason, are just not. I began to notice this at a pretty young age, and unfortunately, a lifetime of living - and not a little bit of regret - hasn't done much to convince me otherwise. "

" If I don't do some sort of exercise in a day, I do get in a terrible mood. That's always been true. "

" It took two months from the day my fiance proposed to my first Google search for 'wedding planning: how?' Now, let me interrupt myself here and share how much I hate using the word 'fiance.' It's so fancy, and it's hard not to sound like a jerk saying it. Which is why I will be using my own word for fiance: gloob. "

" In the back of my head, I always thought it would be great to become an actress on a sitcom. "

" What's shocking to me is seeing people walking around with green juices in their hand when the weather's bad in New York. I couldn't think of anything more awful to have when it's sleeting outside. Like, 'Oh, I'm craving some liquified kale right now.' "

" I have given myself dork shivers so many times that I would be an outright liar if I characterized myself as anything other than a pure, utter, and unadulterated dork. "

" My painting teacher in high school used to say, 'I can't paint like I want to, but through practice I'll get better.' But I don't think that's true. I think sometimes you just can't paint. "

" I wrote comedy sketches in college. "

" Improv is mostly what I've studied. "

" I'm a morning bird. I love getting up before it's light out if it's possible. I wake up, I have a black coffee. I'm an 86-year-old man. I try to work out first thing to get it over with. When I do it, I feel good because I have the endorphins all day. "