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" When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous. "

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" Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don't care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician's armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm. "

" When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations. "

" When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. "

" In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it. "

" I have never sold my story, done 'Hello!' magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line. "

" I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it's all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection, getting the gag right. "

" The economics favour one-man comedy shows: all you need is one person, a microphone and a PA system. But I'm pleased so many people are making a living out of comedy - it's a wonderful business to be in. "

" At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.' "

" Maybe there's a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It's a total misconception. I don't think of myself as any grumpier than the next person. I'm not even grumpy first thing in the morning. "

" It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection. "

" In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. "

" I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties. "

" I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? "

" If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating. "

" My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years. "

" When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won. "

" Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich. "

" The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear. "

" I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it. "

" I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy. "

" I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour. "

" Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way. "

" In 1986, I was attacked in the street as I helped Neil Mullarkey from the Comedy Store Players to put up posters. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time - midnight - and we were English. I got kicked in the head. "

" There's something magical about film, it's the ultimate for me, because it's kind of permanent - inasmuch as anything is. When I went to see Buster Keaton when I was about 14 and I came out of the cinema having really laughed at this film which had been made 50 years before, I thought: That's immortality. It's fantastic. "

" And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh. "

" I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't? "

" All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds. "

" I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian. "

" On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'. "

" I was flying to the Maldives in 2000 when the plane went through turbulence - after that, I didn't fly for four years. Then a job came up in India, so I did a simulator flight and learnt about what goes on in the cockpit. I'm fine now. "