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" Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty. "

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" I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise. "

" Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on. "

" You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough. "

" I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. "

" Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people. "

" I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. "

" I drink to forget I drink. "

" A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. "

" I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points. "

" It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money. "

" Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum. "

" The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. "

" It pays to get drunk with the best people. "

" Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest. "

" If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor. "

" I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin. "

" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "

" I always wake up at the crack of ice. "

" You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough. "

" We can afford almost any mistake once. "

" There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty. "

" They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses. "

" I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves. "