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" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "

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" I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. "

" If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love. "

" I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends - and my friends are hilarious. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem. "

" Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On 'Parks and Rec,' we've got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don't just effuse to one another and be like, 'Oh, Rob Lowe's really funny,' if he wasn't. "

" I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. "

" Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics, and I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me. "

George Harrison

" I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. "

David Letterman

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. "

" I like having a beard. What's funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days. "

" It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. "

Adlai E. Stevenson

" In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. "

" It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "

" The funny thing is, all my friends are short. I wasn't aware of tall people till I got to high school. I didn't know they existed. I was sheltered. "

" When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, 'Wonderful! I didn't know he was funny!' But when it flips, people can get really thrown by it. "

" Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way. "

" I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

" I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise. "