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" You can't possibly fathom the ins and outs of a prepubescent beauty treatment until you've felt the strange but exhilarating tingle of a cottage-cheese-and-Pop-Rocks facial. "
Sloane Crosley
Strange
Treatment
Beauty
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" Going to a museum is one of those inexplicably tiring things. You're not actually doing anything, more shifting your weight from room to room than walking. And yet it is one of the more tiring things one can do, no matter how thrilled you are by the exhibits. "
Sloane Crosley
Doing
You
Walking
" The hardest thing is spending twelve hours a day accommodating the rest of the world, then going home at night and criticizing it. I would be curious about what I'd write if I didn't have to worry about offending. "
Sloane Crosley
Going Home
Day
Home
" I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiot's body. "
Sloane Crosley
Zero
Body
Disability
" Alaska is what happens when Willy Wonka and the witch from Hansel and Gretel elope, buy a place together upstate, renounce their sweet teeth, and turn into health fanatics. "
Sloane Crosley
Sweet
Place
Health
" Insomniacs tend to fall into two general categories - those who give up and those who don't. I don't. I refuse to admit defeat by turning on the light. I will not try to read or watch a movie, thank you. Productivity is a crutch of the weak. "
Sloane Crosley
Fall
Defeat
You
" I love giving people advice on what to do with their books, but I don't really know how a Kindle Single gets covered. "
Sloane Crosley
Giving
People
Love
" Juice cleansing has been all the rage for some time. And I used the word 'rage' advisedly; one must push a violent flood of liquidised vegetables and fruit through one's system for at least three days in order to perform a 'cleanse.' "
Sloane Crosley
Rage
Fruit
Juice
" We've come to expect so little from online privacy measures that public displays of concern about the matter are more or less for show. Being devastated to discover you've been tagged in somebody else's photo has an air of the melodramatic about it at this point. "
Sloane Crosley
Expect
You
Air
" The truth is, I wrote a novel when I was 23. It's hideously bad. Truly rotten. "
Sloane Crosley
Wrote
Bad
Rotten
" I write on weekends, on vacation, and, really - on deadline and on my floor. Both terrible for the back. "
Sloane Crosley
Weekends
Both
Back
" I definitely rediscovered reading for pleasure by devoting such a large swath of my time to sitting on airplanes. I am now painfully adept at removing my shoes so as to have the least amount of foot surface area touching an airport floor. "
Sloane Crosley
Shoes
Reading
Now
" I think it's hard to have a full-time job and write fiction, but for essays, you need to be in the world. "
Sloane Crosley
World
Job
Hard
" In every woman's wardrobe, there are certain accessories that cannot be separated from their back stories. "
Sloane Crosley
Woman
Accessories
Back
" I now know my right from my left and my up from my down. Unluckily, my terrible sense of direction remains. For me, to live in New York City is to never be able to meet someone on the northeast corner. It is to never ever make a smooth entrance, always to get caught looking lost on the street. "
Sloane Crosley
Live
Looking
New York
" The Queen of Crafts herself, Martha Stewart, and I have the same birthday. I prefer to think it's the glue-gun wielding, perfect-tart-producing Martha and not the copper pan-throwing, jail-going Martha. But I suppose if I am going to share a calendar square with some of Martha, I have to share it with all of Martha. "
Sloane Crosley
Queen
I Am
Think
" I like to try to do a little work before I do anything in the morning, even if it's a paragraph. "
Sloane Crosley
Work
Little
Like
" For the average person, taken to their sick bed, it takes a serious bout of pneumonia or a full body cast to completely forget the life they had prior to falling off the rollercoaster. I, however, will do this over a paper cut on my thumb, obsessing of said cut and being generally consumed by it. "
Sloane Crosley
Falling
Life
Said
" I think the goal with any writing, but especially narrative nonfiction, is to put the blockade of putting your thoughts in this unnatural medium of print and then trying to reach through that and actually convey what's going on, what you think, and make people laugh and recognize themselves while doing it. Definitely the laughing thing. "
Sloane Crosley
Think
Thoughts
Writing
" My mother is a special education teacher but also an artist, and my father an advertising executive. They are about as wacky as you can get without being alcoholics. "
Sloane Crosley
You
Teacher
Mother
" As most doctors will tell you, cleansing is ridiculous. You know what's been around longer than that state-of-the-art juicer? Your kidneys. And your liver. Still, the cleanse has recalibrated my definition of a splurge. "
Sloane Crosley
You
Will
Tell
" The reason that war is such a fascinating subject for writers is because it's a revealer. Put a bunch of people in an adrenaline-fuelled, life-or-death situation and their fundamental behaviours are exposed, the scrim is taken away and the motivations behind each personality come out to play. "
Sloane Crosley
Situation
Out
War
" Are there moments when I see unrequited crushes or ex-boyfriends slow dancing with their dates and kind of want to stab myself in the spleen with a salad fork? Yeah, sure. "
Sloane Crosley
Myself
Death
Dancing
" The trick to scrambled eggs is to remove half the milk from the container and shake what's left as hard as you can, like a cocktail shaker, before you whisk it into the eggs. "
Sloane Crosley
Cocktail
You
Milk
" Cohabitation seems a greater leap in cities because it's all the harder to extract oneself if things turn sour. It's what keeps otherwise functional adults living with their mothers. "
Sloane Crosley
Mothers
Living
Leap
" Like most citizens of popular and international urban centres, I don't take advantage of the cultural opportunities. Perhaps this comes from growing up in suburbia. Home is where you eat, sleep, read, watch television and ignore your parents. It is not where you go to the ballet and then attend a heated panel discussion about it afterwards. "
Sloane Crosley
Ignore
Growing Up
Sleep
" My grandmother was a kind of Scarsdale, New York, society woman, best known in her day as the author of the 1959 book 'Growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide for Teen-Agers' - this despite being a person whose parenting style made Joan Crawford's wire hangers look like pool noodles. "
Sloane Crosley
Style
Woman
Best
" I think that most New Yorkers would object to calling me a New Yorker. I didn't grow up here. "
Sloane Crosley
Grow
Think
New
" I thought I was going to write fiction but I fell backwards into non-fiction. It started when I got locked out of two apartments in one day and I told the story to some friends, one of whom worked in the 'Village Voice' and asked me to turn it into an essay. "
Sloane Crosley
Me
Thought
Day
" Brits and Americans have hundreds of different phrases for the same thing. Luckily, it's usually a source of amusement rather than frustration. A flashlight by any other name is still a torch. My personal favourite is 'fairy lights,' which we boringly refer to as 'Christmas lights.' "
Sloane Crosley
Name
Lights
Frustration
" Since graduation, I have measured time in 4-by-5-inch pieces of paper, four days on the left and three on the right. Every social engagement, interview, reading, flight, doctor's appointment, birthday and dry-cleaning reminder has been handwritten between metal loops. "
Sloane Crosley
Reading
Birthday
Time