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" You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' "

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" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "

" So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' "

" A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' "

" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' "

" So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' "

" I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. "

" I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure. "

" Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. "

" Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience! "

" So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.' "