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" After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom. "
Roseanne Barr
Turn
Me
Appearance
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" I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself. "
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" The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think. "
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" I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously. "
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" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "
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" I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff. "
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" 'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking. "
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" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "
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" I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too. "
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" I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more. "
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" Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head. "
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" Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too. "
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" I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. "
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Think
" Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. "
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" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "
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Relationship
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" A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. "
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" I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. "
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" Excuse the mess but we live here. "
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Live
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" Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem! "
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Facts
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" I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' "
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" I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them. "
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Meet
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" I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? "
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Just
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" I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success. "
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First
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" As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. "
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" You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it. "
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" I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. "
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" I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. "
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" I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy. "
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Cats
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" And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. "
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" I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver. "
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" I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers. "
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