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" I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. "

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" Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too. "

" 'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking. "

" I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show. "

" When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying. "

" I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously. "

" One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa. "

" Comedy is the only hope for humanity. "

" I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things. "

" You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. "

" The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. "

" Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought. "

" I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.' "

" Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve. "

" The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. "

" I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. "

" Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive? "

" The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. "

" And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny. "

" You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it. "

" Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor. "

" I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice. "

" In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. "

" I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them. "

" I know how to do anything, I'm a mom. "

" You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.' "

" Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. "

" TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself. "

" Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey. "