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" I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form. "

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" I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust. "

" One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa. "

" I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election. "

" I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool. "

" Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head. "

" A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. "

" I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone. "

" There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads. "

" I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them. "

" I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them. "

" I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. "

" It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't. "

" Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too. "

" I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty. "

" I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy. "

" I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful. "

" The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous! "

" The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. "

" I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place. "

" I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success. "

" In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth. "

" I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did. "

" You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.' "

" It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. "

" Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it. "

" Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you. "

" As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews. "

" My real life is funnier than anything on TV. "

" You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship. "

" I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. "