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" Bill Murray doesn't do anything. He barely shows up at the movies he says he's going to do. "
" The first movie I saw where it convinced me I could be an actor was 'Mean Streets,' so whenever I see Robert De Niro and he says, 'Hi, Denis,' it's still a really big deal. "
" When I go to Batman movies, I always think, 'Man, I would like to be a bad guy in a Batman movie.' especially as they got darker when they go to the Christian Bale era. "
" The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work. "
" My brother and I tortured my mother growing up. "
" I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. "
" When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with 'No Cure For Cancer.' "
" The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago. "
" I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right? "
" When I'm on stage, that's me. It's blown up, but that's me. "
" No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about. "
" Sometimes 'great acting' is just showing off - chewing up scenery and dialogue and other actors - the equivalent of a theatrical sugar rush. "
" My father could swear in Gaelic and English, by the way, ladies and gentlemen. "
" What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny. "
" If you want a long-term relationship that doesn't require a lot of work, I say, get a dog. They love you no matter what. But when it comes to humans, there's no secret; you really have to appreciate the person every single day. "
" Here's the problem with Easter. The Catholic Church needs to pick a date because it keeps moving. And I think the reason they always have Easter moving to different dates is to catch us. "
" I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy. "
" I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me. "
" Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house. "
" I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly told me that he was in a club doing standup comedy. I went down to his club and he was great. Another friend of mine, who was pretty much a thief by trade, was hosting the show. So I thought, 'If these guys can do it, then so can I.' "
" I've eaten things that didn't complain this much. "
" I think daycare is great for people who have to work two jobs. My problem is with people who are dropping kids off at daycare because they want to go out and spend the day golfing or getting their nails done. You know what I mean? That's not why they invented daycare. "
" I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff. "
" I wasn't the best student. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't paying a lot of attention. "
" Firefighters don't go on strike. "
" I'm still pretty self-centered, greedy and angry. "
" Most people don't know how underpaid and often ill-equipped urban fire departments are across North America. "
" I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor. "
" My nieces and my nephews think the only thing that I do is 'Ice Age.' That's fine with me because pretty soon they'll grow up enough to realize that I suck or that my time has passed, whichever it might be. "
" I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side? "
" I'm a huge Kevin Youkilis fan. "