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" I wasn't the best student. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't paying a lot of attention. "

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" Anybody who's done standup will tell you that there's nothing like it. The show starts at 8:00, the curtain goes up and there's nobody else except you and the audience, and you just perform for them for two hours. Nobody yells, 'Cut!' There are no retakes. That is still the most exciting medium for me, and I love it. "

" When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with 'No Cure For Cancer.' "

" Usually when you watch a film, you're just sort of biting your nails about things you could have done differently. "

" I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor. "

" If a character dies, you get to do a big, juicy death scene. But the flip side is you're out of the sequel, which is where the real money is. "

" Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. "

" I'm born and raised in the Northeast. My parents are Irish immigrants. So our tendency is to shy away from the big yellow ball that comes up in the sky every once in a while. "

" No matter what anybody says, relationships are based on physical attraction. The first time I saw my wife, it was pure animal whatever. "

" The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago. "

" If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while. "

" I think it's a shame when you come across young actors and musicians who haven't had the time to learn their craft. It doesn't matter if it's acting or music; you really have to learn how to do it from the bottom up because unless you have a great work ethic... fame is a terrible thing to have. "

" My father left Ireland because he did not want to muck horse manure for the rest of his life, and he wanted to come to New York. "

" I think all priests should be married. "

" Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time. "

" I really want to do a western film. It's one of my favorite movie genres of all time. "

" I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it. "

" My brother and I tortured my mother growing up. "

" Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it. So I don't think I could successfully pull off being on a project like that without really losing my mind. "

" I'm praying for 'Ice Age' 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Because I really think we can run those characters into the '60s, and I'm talking the 1960s, you know? The Civil Rights Movement. That's what I'm praying for, because then I wouldn't have to do anything else. "

" When I'm on stage, that's me. It's blown up, but that's me. "

" I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff. "

" I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens. "

" Technology is changing, so the viewership is getting broken up. My kids watch everything downloaded; they have no idea what the numbers or the names of the channels mean, except 'FX makes the show that I see on my computer.' "

" I learned a long time ago, if you want to keep your friends in show business, don't get famous. Because as soon as you get famous, a lot of the people you used to know, who didn't, become incredibly bitter and jealous. It's part of the territory. "

" I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles. "

" There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. "

" I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.' "

" Having dealt with a lot of real firefighters, I know there are a lot of guys who, for lack of a better term, become addicted to the grief because it has kept them connected to these guys that they felt responsible for having lost. "

" Most of the women placed in the fire department here in New York never passed the physical test. And a fat guy or a short guy, or anybody not passing the test in a life-or-death job, leads to friction. "

" There's no way around it - drama is very difficult to shoot. It's very heavy and something that you carry with you for the course of the day. "