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" No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about. "

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" You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't. "

" What firefighters and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do; basically these people say, 'I'm going to protect all these strangers.' "

" I think we're going to carry the 'Ice Age's up to 'Ice Age 15,' which means basically they'll be in the present decade. "

" I'm a pretty boring guy. Compared to Ashton Kutcher, I live a really boring existence. "

" I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff. "

" My goal is to leave this planet with the biggest carbon footprint I can possibly leave. "

" Willem Dafoe and I are actually the same person. "

" I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side? "

" Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh. "

" I obviously identify with the anti-authority figure. I've pretty much always had problems with authority, ever since I was a kid. "

" I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.' "

" If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.' "

" Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it. "

" My father could swear in Gaelic and English, by the way, ladies and gentlemen. "

" I'm a huge Kevin Youkilis fan. "

" Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer. "

" When I was a teenager, you couldn't get straight pants. Then in '76, when punk started to hit, it was a revelation that you could find straight pants again. "

" You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing. "

" You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the comedy is. "

" I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens. "

" I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time. "

" I have a lot of conservative views on a lot of things. "

" George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. "

" There are some guys I know for a fact, like Louis C.K., who always talk about how not-great of an actor he is, and he's terrific on his show. But I know Louis would play a fantastic dramatic role in something, too. He just needs somebody to grab him and say, 'Come in here and do this.' "

" When I go to Batman movies, I always think, 'Man, I would like to be a bad guy in a Batman movie.' especially as they got darker when they go to the Christian Bale era. "

" I think all priests should be married. "

" It would be great if firefighters across the country had the guarantee that they would be making enough money to support their family right from the get-go, but that's not the case. "

" I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right? "

" I'm born and raised in the Northeast. My parents are Irish immigrants. So our tendency is to shy away from the big yellow ball that comes up in the sky every once in a while. "

" My father left Ireland because he did not want to muck horse manure for the rest of his life, and he wanted to come to New York. "