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" CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' "

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" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "

" I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. "

" President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. "

" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "

" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "

" If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it. "

" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "

" When all else fails there's always delusion. "

When All Else Fails

" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "

" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "

" According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here. "

" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "

" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "

" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "

" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "

" In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani. "

" Fish recognize a bad leader. "

" I have an abacus at home. "

" The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. "

" There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. "

" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "

" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "

" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "

" There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference. "

" In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. "

" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "

" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "

" Keep cool my babies. "

" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "

" Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. "